I did a tarot reading for myself this morning as I do often as part of my daily practice, and what I asked of my guides was pretty enormous: I asked to be shown the way to remove what is blocking me from living my life aligned with my higher purpose, and using my gifts in such a way as to be of service. In proportional enormity, four cards fell out of the deck in my hands as I was shuffling and meditating on my inquiry. I had no need to draw them, they were presented to me. The communication was as clear as it was complicated.

In seeking the counsel of intuitives, astrologers, and others over the past few months, I’ve heard some variation of the phrases “be fearless” and “use your voice” over and over. Time and again, my mind responded with a resounding “WHAT DOES THAT MEAN? I JUST WANT TO KNOW WHY I’M HERE! WHY WON’T YOU JUST TELL ME?!” I felt like I was consistently being met with a riddle in response to a question I thought was fair and straightforward, and it was maddening.

It became clear that the answers I was seeking would not arrive from outside. I wasn’t going to come across the “right” person who would sit me down, tell me exactly what my higher purpose is, and lay out blueprints for how I am meant to carry it out. In hindsight, it’s ridiculous to have expected such. This sliver of clarity was my first breakthrough: if I was ever going to untangle the riddle, I was going to have to start tuning in to my own intuition.

Shortly after, I began to notice subtle things in my daily life. I’m a recent convert to habitual podcast listening, particularly to the Dream Freedom Beauty podcast. I started choosing episodes at random, and I found that the ones I chose were so relevant to my own life that it was spooky. It was almost as if I had found that blueprint I had finally given up seeking. I know now that this was a lesson in surrender. I had to surrender to Spirit, not in the sense of kicking back and trusting that everything would work out simply because it had to, but more like taking my hands off the steering wheel while listening for alternative instructions to keep myself from crashing. It was a subtle difference, but it started a domino effect that I’m still in the middle of as I write this.

The stories shared on dream freedom beauty that resonate deeply with me are from the guests who share their vulnerability freely. In that resonance, the message I hear most clearly is that the step I need on my path right now is ruthless honesty and radical sharing, with the intention of connecting to others. I have to actually speak about my process of waking up to who I am. It’s as vital to share how the services I offer help me as it is to advertise that I offer them. This blog is a part of adopting the practice of speaking from my own point of view, not parroting what I have heard from a teacher or some other respected source.

It’s uncomfortable for me to speak from a place of authority, to accept that it’s possible that I do in fact know what I’m talking about while simultaneously knowing I have much to learn. I’ve been hung up on the belief that I have to wait until I know everything before my words have value, and that if I claim to be able to help heal or guide someone before I myself have been fully healed or guided then I am nothing but a fraud. The reality is that in the exchange between myself an another person, whether I’m teaching them yoga or reading tarot for them, mutual healing and growth occurs. It’s a process that can’t be replicated in study alone, for what good does a library do the world if it’s kept behind a locked door?